I had three choices for the opening word
I used ‘Spotted’ in the Wrong Version. I also tried ‘Witnessed’. Spotted is too casual. Too much as a matter-of-fact. Witnessed seemed more appropriate for a crime scene, but ‘Sighted’ captured the awe of the scene, i.e. “sighted a UFO”
“Aw man, what a sight!” in the Wrong Version. Obviously I had to lose the word “sight” in the Correct Version because it clashed with the opening word. Even if it didn’t exclamations should just be an expression of that awe like a sigh or an expelling of a breath, short and poignant. Again nothing wrong in the other version, but this suits the situation.
The underlined words sound like it is a continuing sentence rather than something you would find at the end. That is deliberate as it adds to the splendour of the experience. It gives the illusion that the narrator is at a loss for words to describe the scene. This notion is sealed by the following word “Breathtaking”.
Avoiding the pronoun ‘You’ in the last paragraph
By keeping the narrative in the first person, you are preserving the personal touch of the story. Furthermore it is easy to overuse ‘You’ as a generic pronoun as can be seen here. I carefully avoided using “I” or “Me” as well to show that those are generic hypotheses and not actual experiences that have happened to you.
The final emphasis on how to bring home how magical that day was is those two simple words “Not today.” In the Wrong Version it is not there and while it is acceptable, by adding it in you change acceptable to exceptional.
Don’t just write down a story as if you were making an incident report at the police station. Play with words. That is the essence of Creative Writing.
Credit: Thank you Pixabay for the photo